HELIX: Gimme gimme Good Lovin’ 7″ + When The Hammer Falls. Mega Hard Rock / Metal anthems. Absolute must have. Check video!!!!!!

Description

Tracklist:
A Gimme Gimme Good Lovin’ 3:25
B When The Hammer Falls
Written-By – Helix
3:02

Here She Is, Miss Rock Fantasy

THE VIDEO Helix, “Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'”, Walkin’ the Razors Edge, 1984, Capitol

SAMPLE LYRIC “Gimme gimme good lovin’ / ev-er-y ni-ight / gimme gimme good lovin’ / ev-er-y ni-ight (ev’ry ni-ight)”

This video takes the conceit of “Hot for Teacher,” subtracts the kids and multiplies it by the leotards and underage girls of “Body Talk,” and adds the comedic framing of an early Twisted Sister video.

Helix are sort of like the Y&T of Canada: Like Y&T, they were around forever, worked really hard, and are considered underrated (though less so than Y&T). They’ve got a similar sound, which I’d characterize as New Wave Of North American Heavy Metal. Think of it as like the NWOBHM, except with way less of an emphasis on the macabre and fantastic, and way more on partying. Oh, and lots of chanting. Lots of chanting.

Also like Y&T, being a bunch of not-good-looking guys, they are constantly placed in videos that either a) minimize their roles in the action, b) surround them with hot women who provide a visual distraction from them, c) are funny, making them the funny guys instead of just the un-hot guys, or d) do all three. This video does all three and then some (features Traci Lords, I mean it features Traci Lords. When she was 16, no less. Way to keep it classy, Helix).

Anyway, heres what you get in the edited version: Bald sportscaster: “Well, what can I say, another extravaganza! You can cut the suspense with a knife! I haven’t seen so many– boy, the guys in Helix look good, don’t they?” Handsome sportscaster: “What can I say?” Bald sportscaster: (nods)

It then cuts to a ditzy, vaguely Southern-sounding blond who the screen identifies as “Beth Broadway, Miss Rock Fantasy 1983.” In perfect pageant-ese, she says “Gosh, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be back here this year. All the girls are such fun, and such wonderful friends.”

After this, it cuts back to the handsome sportscaster, who says, “It looks like we’re ready, so lets go on down to the floor for the third annual Miss Rock Fantasy Pageant.” Theres an announcer down on the stage who says, “And now ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, I’d like to present the girls vying for the crown of Miss Rock Fantasy. Girls, take a bow!” before things actually start with the Lady GaGa -slash- post-op Heidi Montag-looking Miss California, who is nearly falling out of her leotard (which is definitely more low-cut than the others), as she pouts and air-kisses for the camera.

We then see a montage of the different contestants either dancing, or in many cases standing still and moving their hair around with their arms, on the lighted walkway. They are all wearing the exact same thing: Black heels, blue sashes, and green and black leotards. The leotards feature a sort of black suspenders look, as if this is possibly two separate leotards and the black is layered over the green. American Apparel, take note. Oh wait, you already have.

We start with Miss Utah, a spunky young brunette who we’ll later see looks like a favorite to win. Let me also mention shes played by Brinke Stevens, who a) is in tons of horror movies but also b) is totally from San Diego! She should’ve been Miss California. Shes followed by Miss Georgia, a bored blond a very underage Traci Lords, and then Miss Vermont, who has an incredible amount of hair — its like knee-length!

Miss Texas is older-looking blonde who seems to have experience dancing on a lighted catwalk. The next two look kind of young — Miss Illinois, a girl-next-door brunette, and Miss Arkansas, an especially high-school-age-looking blonde who looks nervous. Last up is Miss New York, whose dancing and comportment is vaguely Flashdance-esque.

Ohhh wait. As the song kicks in, heres the band. They’ve decided to color-coordinate in black and red, all in sleeveless tops with leather pants. Studs are everywhere. Oh wait, I don’t mean the guys in Helix. I mean like, they’re wearing lots of garments and accessories with little metal grommets attached to them. Don’t get it twisted. Anyway, theres much synchronized headbanging and guitar waving.

As the first verse begins, we see one of the contestants come out to, uh, perform. Is this the talent portion? Shes wearing a sleeveless black thing, black booties, sheer stockings, and fingerless black gloves. But its easy to ignore those given the GaGa-esque halfmask she has on. Half is black and studded, while the other half is just these long, spiky feathers. She carries two coconuts down the catwalk, which she places beside her feet before smashing one of them with a giant wooden mallet. Uhhh oh-kayyy.

This causes singer Brian Vollmer to somersault off the drum riser, which is covered in contestants. The contestants basically dance all over the stage the entire time the band is performing, not really moving around or anything, but just sort of bopping back and forth in place.

The masked contestant smiles and then growls at the camera, which makes the handsome sportscaster sweat like hes in a sauna. I’m not 100% sure about this ID, but I’m thinking this is Traci Lords/Miss Georgia. I’m not very up on 80s porn stars though. Anyway, the other girls tease Brian with their dance moves, and before you know it we’re onto contestant number 2.

Shes wearing a very early 80s heavy metal studded black bodysuit with a cut-out that goes down to the navel (and coordinating fingerless gloves!), and sheer black stockings with garters. She does a sexy dance (while smoking a cigarette no less) that ends with her posing on a chair. Hmm, I think the first contestant had a better talent, but we should probably wait for the ballgown portion to judge.

The chorus features more dancing around, and many, many shots of Miss New Yorks crotch. Apparently she was right in front of the camera, and apparently they liked it that way. Half the time her lower bits are taking up about half the frame, with the members of Helix in the distance behind her.

Oh! Here we go. Another “talent.” This one appears to be Lady GaGa/Miss California. In an extremely low-cut black thing that makes the last contestants attire look tasteful and a pair of elbow-length (you guessed it!) sheer fingerless gloves, her talent appears to be catching white feathers that are falling from the ceiling with her tongue. This makes bald sportscaster sweat and say “WOW” to the camera.

Did I mention before that Brian seems to like Miss Utah best? He keeps leaning on her and pulling her into the frame. In other news, Miss Texas continues to look super-bored.

The guitar solo consists of a black-and-white shot of Brent Doerner walking down the catwalk — which has been colored in purple for some reason — and kicking the lightbulbs off with his foot as he walks along. Hmm. It doesn’t really fit with the rest of the video, but whatever. At least he doesn’t have to play the solo from like, behind some womans butt.

Can I also mention that “Doctor” Doerner kind of looks like Bruce McCulloch from The Kids in the Hall? ‘Cause he totally kind of does.

Just when you think its over, theres another talent portion. This one is Miss Vermont, identifiable by the fact that she has more hair on her head than everyone else in this video combined. She comes out in a totally weird get-up with red heeled boots and a hat, and shes got a red motorcycle on the catwalk. Compared to the others, shes demure — she has on an oversized leather vest over her low-cut bodysuit and stocking/garter combo. Oops, nevermind, she just took that off, causing the balding sportcaster to intone, “What can I say!”

This also makes Vollmer jump off the drum riser and do a somersault again. Or knowing Helix metal videos from this era, this is probably the same shot they used earlier. Actually nope, its not — the girls are gone. Anyway, wow, so Vermonts talent includes mounting the front wheel of the chopper in reverse and waving around her truly prodigious amount of hair. Something tells me shes not going to win, even with this crowd.

The video ends with the band and all the contestants huddled in together, with words across the scene claiming “We’ll be back to crown our winner after this…” Some weird dude with a mustache Rip Taylor has made it onto Miss Vermonts chopper, and though hes super-excited to be there, I’m not really sure why he’s there. Oh wait, for all the topless porn stars! Duh.

P.S.: Amongst all this weirdness, how’d I manage to forget to mention this song is a cover? It was originally performed in 1969 by a Canadian bubblegum pop act with the improbable name Crazy Elephant.